Cancer Has Touched Someone We Love Again
Six years ago, I spent Valentine's weekend lurching effectually Seattle trying to come up to terms with the fact that I was now a cancer patient. I was sort of dating someone at the time, but nosotros weren't tight plenty to be a truthful couple and then there were no roses, no romantic dinner, not even a lousy chocolate buss.
Instead, I got the cancer kiss-off a few days afterwards, although in capping our fledgling human relationship, the guy swore upward and down "It's non the cancer, information technology'southward yous."
Uh … thanks?
If you've lived in Cancerland for whatever length of time, you've probably heard stories of patients getting kicked to the curb afterward a diagnosis. Maybe y'all've even lived through it yourself. It's a mutual enough occurrence that it'south been studied, most recently past Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center clinical researcher and Seattle Cancer Intendance Alliance neuro-oncologist Dr. Marc Chamberlain.
Sadly, women diagnosed with cancer are almost vi times more than probable to get separated or divorced than guys who get sick, mostly probable, Chamberlain said, because men aren't as "well-equipped to be principal caregivers."
And that may well be true. Fear; financial destruction; the loss of torso parts and/or sexual function; the stress of watching someone you care well-nigh abound weaker and possibly die: that's a lot for any partner to take on.
But getting dumped after diagnosis isn't the only storyline when it comes to love in the fourth dimension of cancer.
There are likewise stories of people who've met their friction match while recovering from surgeries or slogging through chemo, stories of people who've actually institute each other because of their diagnosis.
"Dating, dear, the excitement of a new relationship — happily, cancer doesn't diminish any of this thrill," said Dr. Karen Syrjala, co-manager of Fred Hutch's Survivorship Program. "That said, cancer can add a new layer to the complexities of explaining who we are to a new person, and information technology tin can innovate a few new insecurities about body prototype, feeling desirable, feeling vulnerable and wondering if a new person will want to take a chance with someone who'due south had cancer."
This Valentine's Day, we decided to wait at three couples touched past cancer who've been able to divorce themselves from the challenges of the illness and its handling — and find true dear.
Dear is good therapy
Much like me, Joan Campbell, was seeing someone when she learned she had chest cancer in October 2015. Unlike me, the 66-twelvemonth-old advertisement and marketing consultant from Grass Valley, California, was engaged — and the guy immediately offered to move in and help her weather the surgery, chemo and radiation.
Unfortunately, his idea of helping was to requite her a horrible cold that promptly segued into a months-long sinus infection, sleep through her heart-of-the-night calls for assist and complain that she wasn't any fun anymore.
"He had no concept of manus sanitizer or being cautious effectually someone who was immunocompromised," she said. "He was definitely a 'no-help helper.'"
He was also unfaithful, she learned, later a unmarried girlfriend stumbled onto his profile while surfing an online dating site. Campbell asked her son to move in, asked the "philandering fiancé" to move out and focused on getting through treatment.
And that may well be true.
Months later, she shared her story with a massage therapist who, in plough, told her about a "good guy with a bad back" that she'd been treating for the concluding 15 years. Still in handling, Campbell was bald, had a perpetually runny "chemo nose" and was constantly itching from the tape her therapist used to redirect her lymph system.
"I wasn't certain [that] was a practiced look," she said. "But I went ahead and met him at a java shop i afternoon. I thought he'd be shocked when I showed up with inappreciably any hair, no eyebrows and scratching from the lymphedema tape, only he wasn't. Things took off pretty naturally. He knew I'd been sick. That turned out to be a non-issue."
Their pair connected to see each other for the side by side thirteen months, slowly at kickoff since Campbell was still receiving Herceptin infusions. On New Year's 24-hour interval of this year, they got engaged.
"Larry is wonderful, caring, loving and there when I demand him," said Campbell of her new fiancé, who no longer needs massage therapy for his back (even improve, she's in remission). "He'due south besides good company and has a keen sense of humor. We're both kind of goofy and accept had some swell times."
The lovebirds, who both have kids almost the aforementioned historic period, plan to spend this Valentine'due south Twenty-four hours watching i of them compete in the Mountain West Finals swim meet.
"It volition exist a family day," she said.
Was she surprised to find love in the midst of cancer handling?
"Absolutely," she said. "I was shocked, but in a practiced style. We laugh sometimes that I had to go through all of that just to meet him because he lives just five miles away. My advice to others is it can work out. Just proceed your chin up."
Pennies from heaven
Dear was the furthest thing from Don Stranathan's mind in Oct 2011 when the Santa Rosa, California, lung cancer patient answered a question nigh juicing from a adult female on the online patient customs Inspire. But love was what he establish with Penny Blume, a vivacious 49-year-old blonde who, like him, was living with terminal lung cancer.
Both single, they quickly friended each other on Facebook and soon were texting every day. Blume was in active treatment for her aggressive pocket-size prison cell lung cancer in New York and was adamant to arrive to her 50th birthday, several months away. Stranathan, and so 59, gamely offered to fly out and buy her dinner for the occasion.
But neither wanted to wait. Neither had the time to wait.
Shortly after connecting, Blume flew to California for her starting time engagement with Stranathan, who by then was responding well to a targeted drug known as Tarceva. The pair clicked and spent several days traveling around Lake Tahoe and Mendocino, falling in love.
They couldn't motility in together since they were both in handling on opposite sides of the country, so instead, they met upwards every six weeks.
"Penny had never left New York," said Stranathan, now 64. "So my goal was to get her to run across as much equally possible. When someone has a terminal illness, it's critical that you requite them something to look forward to. Every few weeks, she would come out here or I would go dorsum there or we'd come across upward at lung cancer summits and conferences. Any opportunity we would get, we would be together."
Stranathan was able to share Yosemite, Morro Bay, Las Vegas, the Mojave Desert and the California coast with Blume before her cancer progressed, her treatment options dried upward and she became too weak to travel. He then took a retirement disability from his business development job, flew Blume out to his home and cared for her in that location until she died in January 2014.
Since so, Stranathan has become even more involved in patient advancement, fulfilling a promise he made to his beloved. He has not yet re-entered the dating pool.
"It'south hard," he said. "Penny and I had a beautiful relationship. In the 2 and a half years we were together, we never one time had a disagreement — we were dealing with bigger issues. I'm not opposed to the idea of a new relationship, merely I accept two options: a boyfriend survivor or someone non affected by cancer. Knowing the pain I went through at the end, I would have a hard time asking someone to go through information technology with me. And I know I wouldn't want to experience that heartache again."
Now on an immunotherapy drug, Stranathan yet wrestles with the side furnishings and late effects of his handling. But he continues to hike, spin and mountain bike regularly and looks for blessings every day.
"Always since she passed, in that location will be times when I'm alone and I'll find a penny in the most unusual places," he said. "A year ago I was in Wisconsin and had gone downwards to the river to fish later dinner and I was thinking how lovely the evening was and how I would have liked to take shared information technology with Penny. And only equally I thought that, I looked down and there was a penny shining upward at me in the h2o. I reached down and information technology was gone. But I always know that she'southward with me."
One final good appointment
Susan, a 52-year-old spider web analyst and patient from Washington, D.C., who asked that we not apply her terminal proper name due to stigma, had 1 relationship goal later on learning she had phase 4 breast cancer in 2012.
"The last date I had before my diagnosis was horrific," she said. "My goal was to but take one date where I wasn't feeling physically ill or homicidal by the terminate of it."
So like many unmarried cancer patients (present company included), she started navigating the surreal world of dating while in treatment, doing her best to find a manner to share the realities of her diagnosis, her side furnishings and her prognosis without chasing potential suitors away.
It was not e'er easy — some dates, she admitted, walked away shellshocked later she "threw all the details out at that place in a 1 big blob." But after the simulated starts and some helpful advice from young man patients, she discovered spoon-feeding her cancer story and and then simply answering questions was a far meliorate style to proceed than "pulling out a medical report on the commencement date."
Syrjala said this tactic is common amongst cancer survivors.
"Everyone has imperfections and history, and role of falling in love is loving the imperfections. Still, it isn't necessary to tell a new date everything all in the first date," she said. "It's possible to be genuine and interested to get to know another person and to tell someone about oneself, without explaining all the details all at in one case."
Susan used this arroyo with Jeff, a Washington, D.C., patent examiner who responded to her online dating contour just as she was about to requite up her quest to notice a partner.
"It was very interesting," she said of their early conversations. "I was scared to talk about it because I was afraid he was going to exit. And I wouldn't arraign him. It's very heavy; it's signing up for a lot. Merely he was very affair-of-fact almost it. I told him about my stage 4 diagnosis and he said, 'Are you OK now?' I said, I'chiliad stable simply volition need standing treatment and he asked what kind. I told him targeted chemotherapy so told him I was hesitant to tell him about the cancer because I wasn't sure if he wanted to encounter me anymore. His answer was, 'Can I run into y'all again?'"
The pair continued to date — and eventually fell in love — marrying concluding July in a pocket-size church commemoration complete with good friends, barbecued ribs and blues.
Was their beloved match a fluke when inquiry tells the states that oftentimes, honey walks out when cancer walks in?
"I've seen lots of people who've found partners after diagnosis or had partners stick with them through diagnosis," she said. "It'southward non that uncommon. I don't mean to be judgmental, merely they're just higher quality partners. Jeff has done 3 ER visits with me. He's come with me to get scan results. He'due south made of different stuff."
Dating with cancer, she said, is no dissimilar than dating with any kind of complicated upshot.
"Get out with the point of enjoying the person, then when information technology gets personal, introduce the subject field, expect for the questions and have it wearisome," she said. "And call back, men are similar buses. If you miss one, there volition be another 1 right along."
As a single patient with cancer, I'one thousand heartened by her communication, peculiarly since I recently met someone who seems interested in getting to know me better. I told him most my breast cancer, my surgeries and what it means when a trunk (not to mention an already quirky brain) get through the treatment mill. Merely then far, he's undaunted.
Once again, it's not the cancer, it'due south me — but this time it'south for all the right reasons.
Diane Mapes is a staff writer at Fred Hutchinson Cancer Enquiry Heart. She has written extensively about health issues for NBC News, TODAY, CNN, MSN, Seattle Mag and other publications. A breast cancer survivor, she blogs at doublewhammied.com and tweets @double_whammied. Email her at dmapes@fredhutch.org.
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Source: https://www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2017/02/valentines-day-love-in-the-time-of-cancer.html
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